I really, really did not want to have to do this. I really thought that everyone could have common sense, and everyone could be civil. But after riding public transportation a minimum of four hours a day, five days a week, I feel like it is time to set some ground rules.

So here they are, etiquette rules for riding the T:

1. Do not take off your shoes.
2. Do not take off your socks.
3. Do not have a meal on the train or bus. If you are absolutely dying of starvation, or your blood glucose levels are dangerously low, you may eat something. However, this food must not have an odor of any kind. Have you been on the green line lately? We are nauseated enough, we don't need to smell that shit.
4. No spitting, nose picking, naval lint clearing, or any other weird bodily thing you would normally do in a bathroom with the door closed.
5. No peeing or, god forbid, the other.
6. No changing diapers.
7. No talking on your cell phone. If there is a dire emergency, then you may make a call in a very quiet voice, think "library voice." Under NO circumstances should you EVER talk on speaker phone.
8. If you are perfectly able bodied, do NOT ask someone for their seat. I don't care if you went on a shopping spree and now you have 800 bags to carry and your legs hurt. You should have planned for that, and taken a cab.
9. Please don't talk at all. Ok, that probably isn't going to happen. So if you insist on talking, please remember a few things. First, if you are not within arm's length of the person, then move closer, or save it for later. Second, remember that you have an audience! Do you really think you should be discussing your sex partners, or your weird and creepy skin tags? Everyone can hear what you say. Everyone. So watch it. And do not discuss fellow passengers. Ever. They can hear it, no matter how quiet you try to be.
10. Don't bring your beer on the T in a plastic cup, and drink it while you ride. That's just nasty. Do you think that will impress the ladies? It doesn't.
11. Do not clip your nails. Especially not your toenails (see numbers 1 and 2).
12. Do not cough on other people. If you have a crazy coughing sickness, walk, or take a cab. Have a cough drop. Hold it in. Something.
13. Do not fight.
14. Do not sing out loud to the super song on your iPod. You might think it is super, but we don't, especially not when you sing it.

Note, this list will be updated, as new issues appear to arise every single day.